Sarah Smiles

In 1992 my wife became pregnant for the second time. Our first was born in 1988, a healthy girl we named Avery.

The pregnancy went along as usual and there was such a joy to feel her kick and move around and as the final months approached, I was getting so excited to see her and meet her.

In the 7th month we went in for the monthly ultrasound to check in on everything. We waited a few minutes until we were called into the room and my wife laid on the table and waited for the technician to arrive. After covering her belly with that cold jelly, she moved the wand around searching for that first sound of heartbeat, but nothing came through. We asked several question but the technician avoided the question and referred us to the doctor. The technician left the room and we were left to think for ourselves but in our heart we already knew.

We went to the doctor’s private office where she spoke hopefully and referred us to another facility for a sonogram, which back in the days was not yet available in every office.

We arrived at the new facility and went through the same again and this time I was able to watch the picture on the screen and I knew we had lost our little girl.

There was no heartbeat.

The technician again refused our questions but we told her we knew.

We went back to our original doctor who was given the results and confirmed to us our daughter was gone.

Our next step was to a hospital where my wife was induced and with in two hours gave birth to our still born little girl, we named Sarah. The umbilical cord had wrapped around her neck and had gotten pinched off and took her life.
I was allowed to go to a separate room with my little girl and for two hours I sat with her still form in my hands and had a long conversation with God.

I know he can do all things, and nothing is impossible for him, o of course I begged, pleaded, and cried. I even putt my two fingers over her heart and pushed hoping I could help God along with my “act of faith”.

Here was my little girl with perfectly formed hands, feet, and the longest eye lashes. This was the little girl I would never see grown up, I would never see her first steps, first day of school, graduation, and I would never get the chance to walk her down the aisle.

Am I mad at God? NO
I recognize evil exist in this world and it comes to the just and unjust alike.

It’s been almost twenty-seven years. I still can see her face and the emotions are just as raw as on that day.

When certain subjects are brought up, you can imagine my reaction and God has to forgive me for how I feel.

And yes there is more that will be said.

Post Your Comment Here

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *